love exists

a prayer

March 20, 2020

Dear Lord,

Today I want to thank you for all the love in my life. It has come in many shapes and forms, but one thing is certain — It exists.

For the past 2 years, I've been feeling like a ship lost at sea. I followed the first patrol boat that found me, but after months of being tossed about by the waves and going nowhere, I realised that the boat I've been following was being guided by a light from a lighthouse that I couldn't see - and that was obviously not meant for me.

This Circuit Breaker period has really given me the time to heal and find myself again. I'm slowly changing into someone that I hope I don't recognise from before. I feel my wings spreading, and I think I'm about to make the first tear in my cocoon.

It's been too long; I've been driven by my emotions like a kite in the wind, without wings and unable to navigate my way through the sky. Thinking back, I feel my heart clench. It never gets easier, but you always get stronger — I always get stronger.

The wounds that were inflicted on me have already healed. They might leave scars, but I look at them as reminders of all the things I will never stand for in my life ever again. Once is one too many. What hurts the most isn't (or wasn't) visible. It's the feeling of betrayal — That someone you trusted said and did things behind your back, hoping that you would never find out.

It turns out the patrol boat I was following was headed toward its destination with or without me; but me being me, I was hanging on to it for dear life - as if it was my only salvation. I believed in something that was even more lost than I was.

I still believe in love. I don't believe that love is meant to hurt us. It's meant to be beautiful — and it's meant to be kind and caring and considerate and compassionate and understanding. But most of all, it's meant to be loving. If love isn't loving, is it love?

Lord,

I know you love me in ways that I cannot even fathom. However, you're up there and not down here with us. We're meant to love one another just like how you love us. That's how we experience your love here on this earth. It's all we can do as we're only human.

I pray that you will plant seeds of love within my heart and all around me, so that they may sprout and spring up into gardens that I may walk through every day and be constantly reminded of your presence in my life and in the lives of all the people who love me.

I know that love exists. Maybe not in the way I had imagined, but I am certain — It is out there.

Amen.