There are certain things in life that I might never come to terms with:
1. Why you didn't get me anything on my birthday when you said that you wanted to bake me a birthday cake.
2. Why you didn't tell your best friend or parents that I was coming to visit over New Year's.
3. Why your new friends were privy to information that I was being kept in the dark about.
Come to think of it, we hardly talked about where we were going. The question was always there in the back of my mind, but there was 'never a right time' to have a conversation about it. I'd like to think that I was blind to all the red flags, but it's probably more accurate to say that I chose not to see them that way because I wanted to believe something different.
It's safe to say, I'm not stuck in a daydream anymore. I don't wake up in the morning thinking about where you are, what you might be doing and who you're with. It's still difficult to fall asleep, but visualising my ideal life and taking long deep breaths helps a lot.
I've always felt like I was someone else's Manic Pixie Dream Girl - the one who helps the male protagonist find himself, sometimes at the expense of her own happiness. Serena van der Woodsen was my spirit animal for a long time, but I think it's time to move on from her to someone else who has more control over her own destiny.
I'm planning on moving out in March to a shared apartment with Mark and his dancer friend, Rachel, at least till the year ends. I want to learn to be more independent, take charge of my life again and get my performance career back on track. I've done it once for a year when I was 20, so it shouldn't be that big of a hurdle to cross. This year will be a year of big changes for me.
"If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.” —
You decided that you couldn't be in a relationship with me anymore, so I'm deciding to make peace with that and move forward.
I've been blessed with 2 weeks of pure and unadulterated self-reflection, and I've grown closer to my mother and my family. No one has been hard on me, although none of them truly understands what we've been through - or what I've gone through. I must've made it out to be more than it was because you haven't texted or called since I hopped on my flight to Helsinki.
They say third time's the charm, but maybe my love was meant for someone other than you. Maybe this relationship was meant to teach me more about loving myself, who knows? They say if you ask for courage, God will give you opportunities to be courageous... If I ask for love, will God give me someone to love who will love me just the same?
“To be deeply loved, means a willingness to cut yourself wide open, exposing your vulnerabilities: Your hopes, hurts, fears and flaws. There is nothing more terrifying or fulfilling, than complete love. It's worth the risk - Reach for it.”
― Jaeda DeWalt
I want someone who will be with me through the dark times, the rough times, and not just the bright times. When the lights go down in wintertime, I want someone who will stay with me through the night and wake up beside me as the sun comes up again. I want someone who will travel the world with me, and who will let me into the deepest and most hidden parts of their soul.
Summer // 12.08.19
I remember last summer; I was laying in a hammock, face toward the night sky, searching for shooting stars in Thessaloníki. I never knew how to spot them until you told me, "Just find a patch of darkness in the sky, don't focus so hard on it and you'll probably catch a glimpse of a shooting star out of the corner of your eye." It was mesmerising... I had never seen that many shooting stars in my life.
Maybe that's the trick — Don't try too hard, don't be afraid of the darkness, and you'll find all the shooting stars in the world.