I thought that I knew you, but it turns out that I really, really didn't. Who knows what other secrets you were keeping from me? What else (or who else) you were doing behind my back? I want this to be over so badly, but it seems like it's going to be a much longer and more difficult climb than I had expected — It's okay, I know that I'll come out stronger on the other side.

I don't know how to explain the feeling of betrayal. It's quite an icky feeling that just sits and churns in the pit of your stomach, making you feel slightly sick every time you think about it. I can't even look at you the same way again. It's as if all our intimate memories have been tainted with a faint taste of disgust, and when I try to remember the good times, I begin to feel rather used - both physically and emotionally. It's a horrible feeling and I never want to have to experience that ever again.

Maybe I was just being too trusting and too naive. I'd apologise for reacting emotionally to situations where I wasn't even the one causing the drama. I apologised for wanting too much attention, for wanting appreciation, for wanting to feel loved, not realising that I wasn't even asking for too much — I was asking for the bare minimum. Not for 5 hours, but sometimes even just for 5 minutes — 5 minutes of unadulterated quality time with my boyfriend, but apparently even that was too much to ask.

I don't ever want to be made to feel guilty about wanting my boyfriend (or girlfriend) to be present. Presence is everything. Presence is key. 5 hours of time being divided between me and the DOTA World Championships doesn't count as quality time. Maybe that was why I always felt that it was never enough. I never felt that I was getting enough attention because the quality of the time we spent together never seemed to match the quantity — and already our quantity of time was severely limited.

I don't know how else to describe this sinking feeling. It's not like I'm crying loads anymore or wallowing in bouts of depression; it mostly just looms like a dark cloud over my head, shadowing my day-to-day interactions, especially with people who make known their romantic interests towards me - which, I feel like I have to add - I don't appreciate. If I was interested in you, you'd know. I don't like to play games, so stop trying so hard, and please leave me alone. (If this is relevant to you, please take note).

I haven't really had the time to just sit with my thoughts and let my mind run, which is why I decided to do that today. I want to make journalling a much more integral part of my daily process, like how I used to when I was writing my daily Morning Pages. I don't do that anymore because I've started blogging now and I enjoy writing in my blog a whole lot more. I find that with my blog, I'm much more selective with my word choices, as well as the phrasing of sentences, and paragraphing. There's a lot more structure as compared to a free flow stream-of-consciousness writing that meanders everywhere and never makes it to the sea.

I've got lots of work to do, so I'm going to spend less time rambling on about my inner life and more time actually taking action to change my outer life. I am a lot more focussed and dedicated to the development of my career nowadays, and that makes me very happy. I love my work, I love my job and I love what I'm doing. I can only work and pray that it will only be uphill from here on out. 2020 is revealing itself to be a very rewarding year, and I know that if I stay on this path, I will get to where I want to be.