If there's something I've realised of late, it's that I'm not taking good care of my body like I did during lockdown & throughout most of last year. I can tell when I'm eating too much & eating unhealthily, and it doesn't make me feel good. I like feeling good & fit in the clothes that I wear. It just feels different. Today, I ate a Double Shack Burger from Shake Shack because my mom bought some to try. I don't even like cheeseburgers. I don't even like beef. I just couldn't control myself & that's a bad sign. It's because I've been sleeping late nights recently & haven't found my back-to-work grind yet. Slowly, but surely, I know that I will get there. I just hope that it's sooner rather than later. I want to start getting back to recording TikTok videos & interacting with my audience through TikTok & IG Live sessions. I've got so many ideas & I just need time to sit & think through them & set a definitive plan of action for the year. 2021 is going to be different. I know it. I just need time to sit & process everything that's happened & my path moving forward. I am ready. I know it. I will find the time to sit with myself & reflect. Reflect & plan ahead.
Also, before I go to sleep, I have to add that I believe that things ended because they had to. In relationships, romantic or otherwise. I cannot stand being disrespected in a relationship & looking back, you never respected me enough. & if you did, then it never reflected in your actions, your words, your promises or the way you treated me. It was more like a flame that was burning hot & cold & I never knew which to expect sometimes. Like the day you left me in the garden & cycled off without me & I had to find my way back alone. Which was also the day I fell off my bike because I somehow ended up on the wrong side of the road trying to find my way back & freaked out, but did you know that? I don't think so. But I never made it a big deal. All the times you were hiding things (people?) from me & you never cared to elaborate on your relationship with certain girls. I just never got good vibes from a few of your "friends." I always sensed that there was more to the story, but I chose not to probe because I wanted to trust you. Sometimes I felt that you were treating me more like an object or a cute little pet rather than your girlfriend. & many times I even questioned what it meant to be your girlfriend. What it meant to you, that is. Did it even hold any weight at all or was it just a term you'd throw around when there were no other girls around for you to flirt with? I don't know & I'll probably never know the truth because you've never told me. But either way, the hurt is something that I will have to continue healing from & at least now I know better than to be treated like an option when I make someone my priority. All that being said, if even Justin Bieber could mend his ways & end up married, then I'm sure you'll find someone close-to-perfect for you as well. & I wish you well. I do not hold any hatred in me, just plenty of questions, for which I don't need answers anymore.
Grant me peace, serenity & wisdom to move forward knowing that my trust in you is all I need to do what's right & plan ahead. Forgive my sins & help me to forgive those who have sinned against me. Teach me to do what's right even & especially in the face of adversity. I know that you have great plans for me. Plans to prosper me & not to harm me. I trust in you & I pray that you will guide me moving forward. Help me to find peace in order to gain perspective on the road ahead & be with me every step of the way. Thank you for all the Angels you've sent my way. I acknowledge their presence in my life & I am grateful. Thank you.