Every day I feel torn & today feels no different. I am torn between love & hurt. I am torn between forgiveness & resentment. I am torn between moving forward & reminiscence. I don't hate you - I don't hate any of my exes. I have no hate in me. I have hurt, yes, but that I know I can heal from & move past that. When, though? That is the question. I know I can't rush the process & I think that going through all the ups & downs (mostly ups) of 2020 has really put a lot of my experiences into perspective. I understand that "hurt people, hurt people" & so I hold no grudge against anyone who has wronged me in the past. I know that as human beings we are all flawed & sometimes we say and do things that hurt others unintentionally, even if we meant the opposite. We just weren't thinking straight. Sometimes substances play a part in that as well, distorting our worldview, but let's not jump into that rabbit hole right now. In 2020, especially, after surrounding myself with friends & family (& my manager & vocal coach) whom I know love me, care about me & support me, I finally understand what it means to be loved. It's ever-changing & constantly evolving, but the one thing that remains constant is that it is invariant. It never changes despite my moods & whatever I'm going through in life. The number of times my parents, siblings & manager have had to shower me with patience & understanding despite my flaws & struggles... It's made me realise that they love me. Each in their own way, of course, but they love me. All the people who deserted me in my most trying times & the people who left me on the line while I was crying & the people who called me dramatic & oversensitive (yes, my parents have called me that before, but they've still stuck with me through it all) - those people never really knew how to show me love in times of need. Maybe they did love me, but they didn't understand the depths of real love - or maybe they didn't actually love me, just the idea of me, who knows? Either way, I know now what I am capable of, worthy of & what I deserve. I have been shown that & I will not settle for anything less. Whether or not it breaks my heart, I am happier without a relationship in which both parties aren't growing together in love. I have witnessed immense strength in myself, even more so in 2020, & I am deciding to step into the new me, starting today!